I don't know if I'm stretching myself too thin, or if I've just got an overabundance of desire/craving/obsession with learning and knowledge, and by association if I'm lucky, wisdom. But after a discussion with a friend recently, it was pointed out that I may very well be the kind of person who doesn't need to do spells and the like. The term that was used was "intuit", in that when doing some kind of magickal working, I merely focus on the intent, and change can occur. I've been experimenting a little with this idea... and really, it kinda fits in with the alternate/virtual reality sortof setting that I've been talking about. I've grabbed up a few books from amazon on the subject, and of course begun sifting through the internet for more information, but not yet quite dug into any of those. The more I think about it, the more I think this could very well be why doing spells with words and stuff, even whispered ones, never has felt "right". Give me a focal point and a purpose and I'm good to go. It may very well be that this is why when asked to lead Circle, I do better remaining silent with eyes closed. It seems like when we did that before, the power and energy within the Circle felt so much stronger than it had in the past. There are other examples as well, such as recently mom had found a picture someone had posted on facebook, and she said she felt very drawn to it. Me being the person I am, my first thoughts jumped to a past life sortof thing, especially knowing a good portion of our family tree and where our people come from, figured when she said she felt like there should be water nearby, that it was some kind of correlation to that. I told her to put it on her desktop as her background and for one week, to focus on it for 15 minutes a day (not necessarily all at one time, but to focus on it and clear her mind of everything else). She did this and sure enough, within one week, she made the correlation: It reminded her of the path leading to the river near where she lived as a child, and where the path had grown up with the trees covering overhead, it looked almost exactly like the picture. Perhaps it wasn't magick, but I feel like it was magick, by my suggestion, guiding her to find the answer herself. What I really need to do most, is find someone who could tell me more about the things my grandmother did. I'm completely convinced that if I knew more about her, the answers I've been seeking could be found.
I could start this out similar to an AA meeting “Hi I’m Laury/Morgana, and I am a geek”. But geek does not even begin to cover it. I’ve been forced over the past months to accept that I am, in fact, a nerd. And I’m ok with it, I’m embracing it. Its just one of the things that makes me “me”. I’ve traveled a long path to find where I belong in this world, “the meaning of it all”. Whether I’ll ever reach that point is a mystery. In the meantime, I play the following roles: mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, geek, nerd, gamer girl, over-thinker. There are reasons I am referred to as So-Crates and Padawan. While there are things I am knowledgeable about, there are things that I have yet to learn. In the end, that’s all life is about..