So, I'm digging again. And I will keep digging, until I can find that nugget of information that proves it, or until I can get with dad's cousin and see the proof firsthand. I've already found a few things worth noting: One of the wills I looked at (transcribed obviously) depicts what I can only guess is a man who was proud of the things he had accumulated for himself: a couple of cows which were listed in the will and bequeathed to his sons (Blossom and Star), a couple of guns which he bequeathed to his other two sons, his second wife (his first wife passed the same year he lost his father and then he married his 2nd wife that same year) he refers to several times as "my Loving Wife" was to receive a portion of his land and "everything she brought with her when we was married". It's endearing to see the language involved in some of these wills, because it gives just the slightest glimpse into who these people were. Even more strangely, this comes just as I had begun to accept things as they are, rather than looking for reasons why my life has brought me along the Path that it has. It's as if something, somewhere.. be it an ancestor, or the Divine, WANTS me to keep looking, WANTS me to know more. I'm not about to turn away from it either.
It's been quite some time since I touched the family tree, largely because I find it difficult to do much research without the ancestry subscription. Tonight, at 10pm which I found ridiculously strange, I get a phonecall from my dad. He proceeds to tell me that while he was talking to his cousin a few days ago, she'd told him that some of her family tree research had turned up some interesting information that he thought I might want to know about. I have not confirmed with her (but you can bet your sweet ass I plan to), but the information that she has found has traced a branch of my grandmother's (his mother's) line back to Salem, Massachusetts. Apparently that branch of the family got the hell out of Dodge when the witch hunts had started. Again, I am trying my absolute best not to get my hopes up, but it's difficult. This is the brass ring I was rather hoping I might find when I really got into digging around before.
So, I'm digging again. And I will keep digging, until I can find that nugget of information that proves it, or until I can get with dad's cousin and see the proof firsthand. I've already found a few things worth noting: One of the wills I looked at (transcribed obviously) depicts what I can only guess is a man who was proud of the things he had accumulated for himself: a couple of cows which were listed in the will and bequeathed to his sons (Blossom and Star), a couple of guns which he bequeathed to his other two sons, his second wife (his first wife passed the same year he lost his father and then he married his 2nd wife that same year) he refers to several times as "my Loving Wife" was to receive a portion of his land and "everything she brought with her when we was married". It's endearing to see the language involved in some of these wills, because it gives just the slightest glimpse into who these people were. Even more strangely, this comes just as I had begun to accept things as they are, rather than looking for reasons why my life has brought me along the Path that it has. It's as if something, somewhere.. be it an ancestor, or the Divine, WANTS me to keep looking, WANTS me to know more. I'm not about to turn away from it either.
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So, as part of my never-ending battle with my hermit behaviors, and the whole anti social media stance I've taken lately, I've decided at least for the time being that instead of using the news feed on facebook to keep up with posts, what I'm going to do is fix it so when certain people post things, then I get a notification, or I'll simply go to their page. Everyone else is getting hidden from the feed. (Ya'll are already on notifications, not to worry lol). But, as I was about to add a few more people to the evergrowing list of shit I don't care if I see on my feed or not, the thought occurred to me... What if it's not them that's the problem, what if the problem is me?
Sure, I know we all go through transitional deals, where the things we once cared about are no longer important, where our ideals and values change. This is something a bit more than that. This is more along the lines of "I really could give no damns, no shits, and precisely no fucks whether I ever hear from you again. The only tie we have at all is a matter of either sentimentality from a lifetime ago and we have nothing in common now except we breathe air, or we're related by blood or marriage and that apparently means precisely dick to you despite my trying." I'm sick of feeling like all of that... Do I really need people in my life, or on a friends list that have nothing more to do with me than liking a fucking post? I have more emotional attachment to my pocket lint than I do with most of my family for crying out loud. I need to find some way to make peace with this, without second-guessing myself, feeling like I'm the one being judgmental, regardless of what other people do or what their actions make me feel. I need to stop guilting myself for feeling anger or resentment, because I should be allowed to have those feelings, experience them in their entirety, and reach a resolution on how to deal with the shit. I don't feel like this is a time where I need to take the more "enlightened" path, and just simply let it go. That's not dealing with shit, that's just brushing it under the rug. I guess the problem really is me. **EDIT** Found something that'll make things alot better with FB... a little addon called FB Purity. There's a ton of settings to fiddle with, but for the mostpart, it looks like it'll go a long way towards making it so that I can somewhat enjoy my facebook time again. The rest of the issues is just a matter of learning to set boundaries of what I will and won't accept into my world, and sticking to that. I've never truly been one for vocalizing intent when working solo, whether it's spellwork or ritual. Even before I started learning about pagan traditions, when I still observed Christian practices and would pray, I still did so silently, in my head. I believed that my intent would simply manifest itself, go where it needed to go, to whomever it was that was listening.
Last night, I did a "ritual" of sorts, in honor of my uncle. Again, everything I did was in complete silence, no word spoken aloud, and I know that my intent achieved it's purpose. Saying not a single word during that is perfectly fine to me. I feel like it was a great way of honoring the life he led, to say "See you later" (rather than goodbye, because I just can't do that.. it's just not in me). BUT! What I realize is that perhaps for the purposes of truly embracing solitary work, I may need to put more emphasis on the spoken word. If for no other reason than to gain more confidence in what I'm doing when we are all Circling together. I know I've said that before, but this is a change I actively have to pursue. In addition to that, I left just about everything sitting out on the little end table we're using as a sort of coffee table (since moving in the sectional has eliminated having somewhere to set things nearby when I'm not using them), and that feels great too. I wouldn't call it an altar as such, but just not stashing everything out of sight is a nice change. My next goal is to set up an altar here in the living room that I can use for working/rituals, and leave it set up when it's not in use. I like to think of every experience like this as a learning one, because at the core of it, everything is about learning and expanding on what works for me and what doesn't. At the end of the day, that's what the whole point of it is, is to be true to myself, and really, learn who I really am at the deepest level. I fully believe that my uncle would have supported that, whether he agreed with my methods or not. If he was nothing else, he was always true to himself and what he believed in, whether anyone agreed with him or not. That, I believe, is the best way of honoring who he was. Well, ya'll already know my uncle passed. I know ya'll are well versed in the whole process of observing the passing of a relative.. the receiving of friends and family, and the graveside service and whatnot. Ya'll know I've struggled with the knowledge that it won't be too far off in the future before I'm having to do the same thing with my parents. So there's really no reason to revisit those things. I've elected to deal with stuff as it comes where they're concerned, and make the most (even if they drive me absolutely berzonkers) of what time is left.
I have come to the conclusion that the things that we have to endure as part of dutiful family when stuff like this happens, is an antiquated ritual of sentimental obligation in and of itself. People you haven't seen in 20some-odd years, or more, and there's a sort of love there that defies logic. I'm not going to lie, I was dreading the living hell out of it, because so much of it is pretentiousness, it comes off like everyone acts like they give two shits about you and have missed you forever, everyone saying "lets stay in touch and stop meeting only at times like this". There's the cookie cutter "I'm sorry for your loss", and I guess to an extent that's probably true, but it doesn't make it feel any more genuine when you hear it 800 times in the course of two hours. And then you get to the funeral home, and you see these people you haven't seen since you moved out from your childhood home, and you're hit with this strange nostalgic, sentimental feeling, almost like you're that same little kid again that you were when these people were your age. I really can't help but feel like the emotions you feel at stuff like this is nothing more than sentimental obligation. Doesn't change the fact that I realized even though these people suck, and the fact that they've all pulled in different directions and we have nothing in common at all except blood and marriages, that there is love there for them. I really can't help but feel that my uncle would have seen the whole mess from wherever he is now, and been laughing at all of us for making such a fuss over him. He lived his life on his terms, and he lived it simply. I admire that. For the last 10 years or so, he hasn't been able to ride his motorcycle because of his arthritis, and I would like to think that wherever he is now, there's nothing but him and a bike and miles and miles of road for him to ride on. My aunt is understandably a wreck.. he was her life, they didn't have children, and I worry about how this will affect her in the long term. The strangest part of it, at least for me, is as we were leaving, I went up to his casket for one final time, and realized the sadness I was feeling was more about the fact that I had not kept in touch with them all this time, it was more guilt than sadness. I'm not really sad that he's gone, I'm sad for the fact that it takes a death to bring a family together. It didn't feel final to me, but I went up to that casket more because it's "the thing you do". I like that I can come away from this with acceptance of what's happened, rather than depression and grief like I use to experience at someone's passing. It's also become glaringly obvious to me that at some point I have stopped referring to it like "so and so died". They haven't died, they've just passed on. I can't pinpoint when it started bothering me to hear the word "dead", but it has. Like I said, this just doesn't feel final to me. He's always been so full of life, and for that life to just be suddenly extinguished, my mind cannot logically allow it to be final. It felt strange to me to see him laying there so still, when I had just seen him alive Saturday. I did appreciate the words of the men who'd served in the AMVETS Honor Guard with him (which I didnt even know he'd been doing), and there were quite a few people from my dad's work who came by to pay their respects even though they had never met my uncle. It touched me to see it, complete strangers. I don't know if this is just something we do here in the south, or if it's something people do all over, or what. But the fact that these people care enough about my father to show up and do that for him means more than words can even describe. I broke down so many times tonight it isn't even funny. The worst one (or best?) was when Daddy'd had to walk away from everyone cuz he had started cryin, and Mom went over to him and hugged him. That wasn't something I ever expected, but it was good to see them put aside differences, and for just a moment, behave like they would have had they still been married. There's alot more on my mind than what I've said here, but my mind is all over the place so I'm sure I've left something out. All I know is I'll be glad when this week is over and I can get back to my normal routine, however dysfunctional it may be, it's still mine. aka: Damn you Mercury retrograde, fuck the fuck off alreadyBefore this retrograde period, before Imbolc, back all the way to the Solstice, I promised myself I would not fall into old habits of self-pity, bitching and moaning and ultimately doing nothing to right the wrongs in my life, etc etc and just overall being more positive about the day-to-day goings-on of my existence. And then came Mercury retrograde of February 2014. Otherwise known as "Please, dear Universe, send all the bullshit you possibly can." It started out with snarking back and forth with Albert (which turned out to be a simple matter of situational frustrations on both our parts.). It progressed to my apparent asskicking by invisible ninjas and a very badly sprained ankle. The swelling is down now after a week and a couple of days, I can put weight on it, but getting around is still a little tricky. Then, day before yesterday, a switch tripped in our fuse box outside which knocked out the power in our living room. Okay... easily solved. After 20 minutes of flipping switches to figure out which one controlled what, we got it back. (Hardly the same problem as when our refrigerator was on the fritz last year and I ended up pulling a muscle in my back because of the blasted fuse box lid weighing a ton and repeated trips out there to reset the switch). Anyways, around 5 a.m. this morning, I'm watching a movie with Brandon because I had to stay up to get the kids off to school (didn't go to sleep early enough and Albert decided to go to bed regardless of whether I intended to be up with them or not), and the light in the living room goes out a few minutes after I started charging my kindle. I figured, since I had not charged it since before the previous power issue, that the switch had been tripped again, and instead of waking him up, decided I would go try to fix the problem. I made no less than 8 trips back and forth around to the side of the house, and still no luck. Returning from that 8th trip, Brandon hands me the lightbulb from the lamp, and there's the tell-tale tinkling of filaments inside. THE DAMN LIGHTBULB BLEW. That was it... just a blown lightbulb. So after 8 trips, back ache (from the heavy-as-all-hell fuse box lid, and my ankle screaming and burning with pain, it was all for naught. AND I feel extremely stupid.
I'll be glad when this one's over... I've had enough. I've actually been giving this thought *gasp* (I know, imagine that, Socrates THINKS?!? what the hell is wrong with the world! lol) Anyways, giving thought to anything for me requires research in alot of instances. So, in hopes of truly embracing the idea of observing the Sabbats this year, I started looking into what Imbolc really is. I'd only ever seen it as a paganized Groundhog Day, given it's timing and all, I knew it had it's origins in Celtic paganism, but never really delved into it. It's never held any more significance for me than, well, Groundhog's Day. But that was before. I may be "wrong" on this, but my own interpretation of it is that it's a time of purification, a sort of spiritual Spring cleaning time, if you will.
I've been shackling myself to things I had not realized I was still holding onto. In order to move forward, sometimes things from the past must be released. Growth cannot happen if there is too many weeds around a plant, it stifles the growth and eventually kills the plant. That's how I'm seeing this. So here's what I've done:
Now, of course, that doesn't include ya'll, mom, or any other overly-dramatic thing that I've come to ya'll for advice on over the past 3 years. I'm in a good place, and thinking more clearly about the focus of my future than I have in a damn long time. I'm not depressed, though I will admit to my fair share of insomnia and boredom (long explanation/description short: I'll start doing something I would have enjoyed a month ago, and 10-15 minutes later I'll be bored and pretty much stir crazy. I blame the cold weather). I've said, time and again, that I need to be less open about who I am, what I like, and so on. That's still the plan, I need to be more introspective as this year goes on. And part of that, I think, is going to be a withdrawal from social media (ie. facebook). It's just a source of unnecessary annoyance and stress that I really don't need. I'll be there, I'll share stuff and comment, but I don't see myself being as reliant on it as I have been the past few years. We'll see how that goes (I'll probably flake and not see it through, but it's good to have goals right?) I feel stronger, mentally and spiritually, than I ever have. And the only way I see that continuing is forgiveness. Forgiving myself the stupid shit I've done, accepting the person I've become as a result of it all, and going on with my life. It's a good thing, and a good frame of mind to be in. Got bitten by the holiday bug hard this year, I'm really not sure what happened. I'm usually dreading Thanksgiving a week in advance, this year.... not so much. I was *gasp* looking forward to it! But the fun doesn't stop there. I usually wait til the week before Christmas to put up the tree, if I do it at all (last year it was the day before Christmas, taken down the day after Christmas). The whole depression thing kicks in and I just don't care about it. The commercialization of Christmastime is a big factor, and I've already mentioned umpteen times what this time of year has brought me in the past.
BUT! This year? I've already got a corner of the room cleared out, tree and decorations out of storage, and it would already be put up if I wasn't exhausted from the cleaning I've done today. Tomorrow will be spent setting up the tree and decorating, and I'm going to have the kids make decorations to hang around the living room as well. What I really want to do is focus more on handmade decorations, and maybe even handmade gifts, and give the kids a different perspective on what Christmas can really be.. it's not about how many presents you get, or how expensive they were. I've always tried to instill that in them, but there are old-fashioned traditions that we've never done, and I really want that for them, and for myself. From a spiritual perspective though, I really want to delve into Yule, even to the extent of setting up a Yule altar as soon as I can figure out where the bloody hell to put it. Dad's got a holly bush in his yard I may snag some sprigs from, seeing as how he hates that thing (and has told me on numerous occasions that I can chop it to the ground if I want to), and maybe some bits of the spruce (leastwise it looks like a spruce) on the other side of his yard. I find it funny (odd funny, not haha funny) that he'd have things like that, and the lilac bush (which he also loathes), when these are things I have a need and appreciation for, and he can't stand them. Either way, even if I don't get to go balls-to-the-wall and stick to the schedule I've set for myself and learn as much as I can before Yule gets here, this is already shaping up to be the best Yule/Christmas I've had in a VERY long time. I'll be damned if I let the holiday blahs get me this time around. It's already been difficult with Albert working weekends, and I miss him to bits not being home when I'm use to it, but having him say he missed me too makes it alot easier to stomach. I have set out a bit of a "schedule" for myself, things I want to learn, do, etc. over the coming year. One of those things is learning how to do tarot readings. The idea of it has always fascinated me, but I've never felt quite confident enough in it to "piss or get off the pot". The problem has always come from a definitive "this is what this card means", and interpreting how that would apply to the reading itself, and whether or not it would be the wrong interpretation. The idea that I could interpret it wrong scared me. Now that I've seen a few done, I feel a little more at ease with it. I've only got a little teeny tiny version of the tarot cards myself, but plan to get a good sized deck in the future. For now, and for the purposes of learning, I'm going to be using this website: http://serennu.com/tarot/pick.php To begin, my plan is to learn the different spreads, and what situations call for which spread. I think that's a good a place as any to start. I've grabbed several ebooks on tarot, spreads, card interprations and such and plan to start reading those. BUT! For today, I chose to just try a simple 3-card spread, with a somewhat loose intent (which relates to my own spiritual path, and what the future might hold for me in that respect). These are the cards I pulled: After I "drew" the cards, I called up OneNote, which for this, I'll be using to keep track of what I've learned, making notes and keeping any future readings' insights in. Here are my interpretations:
Past - Six of Wands - Returning knight or perhaps someone of royalty, laurel wreath on his head, holly wreath on the stave. White horse with gold. Seeming as though he is sitting higher than those around him, which could mean that he has conquered whatever trials were set out before him, and is returning home to enjoy the spoils. Holly wreath signifying peace, tranquility. Present - Death - Armored skeleton atop a red-eyed white horse. He carries a black flag with a white flower emblem on it. Both Death and his horse tower over everything around them, the dead bodies, the wounded, and what appears to be a Bishop, or other religious figure. Sunrise or perhaps sunset in the distance between two towers. As it pertains to this reading, it signifies a conquering over the beliefs of organized religion, moving away from the old person beneath the horse signifying moving away from old ways of life. Heading towards the rising or setting sun, signifying the impending changes to life. The only way towards that change of life, is through the towers which appear to be quite strong, possibly even fortified, so perhaps moving towards change outside the normal "safe" environment one is accustomed to. Future - Queen of Swords - Queen sitting on a silver throne, with angels and butterflies on it. She wears a white robe, signifying purity, possibly wealth, under a robe of blue and what appears to be clouds. She also wears a golden crown, again with the butterfly motif. In her hand is a simple silver sword. The throne resides on a mountain top, a few trees in the distance, and nothing else to be seen except white clouds, blue sky, and a bird above her flying. She raises her hand and points to the right, as if pointing towards the future. Significance of the card as it pertains to the reading, a rise above everything, with a spiritual basis to start from. The butterfly symbology speaks of an emergence, change. The bird flying overhead representing freedom. The sword signifying being armed with whatever one might need to face any oncoming challenges. I'd welcome insights, or even suggestions on how to progress. I realize that this isn't necessarily the most "traditional" method of learning, but then when do we really follow everything "by the book"? Yeah so sue me for inconsistency. I've never been one for it. I don't post stuff just to be posting things, any more than I say shit out loud just to hear myself talk, or let others be graced with the sound of my voice.
Anyways, I started a search a year ago for my family tree. A few short months later, I contacted as much living family as I could via facebook to share with them what I had found. This should have been my first clue that very little damn was to be given about living relatives, why the blue hell should they care about the long-dead ones? Regardless, I opened the invitation to share the tree with them. NO response to it whatsoever after accepting the initial invitations. That's fine and dandy. Well, without getting into the whole drama of it, I've since rescinded those invitations and set all the family tree work I've done to private, and it won't even show up in searches. My work was initially for myself in the first place, and turned into something I wanted for my kids, and only after that did it turn into something I wanted to leave for the entire family, both sides. It's clearly just not in the plan now. I have stronger family ties to people I'm not even related to by blood, than I have to those who share the same blood (outside my home obviously). It's pathetic, but I don't need to torment myself with it anymore, and I don't need to "fix" it. It's not my place to fix everyone or remind them of what a family should be. So... the next course of action, I need to return to the reason this all started in the first place. I wanted to know where my Mamaw learned what she knew. Part of me thinks I should contact living relatives on dad's side of the family, starting with his brother, my uncle, who would know more about who knew what, who learned what from whom, and who's still alive that could tell me more. On the other hand, and this is huge... there's a very loud voice in my head saying that I should follow my instincts, that what I need to know or learn, can be learned if I just do that. This past year has been about being more open with who I am. It's been about appreciating the abundance in life, not in material things, but in things that make life worth living. I've found that in many parts of my life, I've allowed quantity rather than quality, I've allowed too much passivity, making excuses and calling it unconditional love, rather than closing off ties with people who do no good for anyone around them. I've been TOO open about who I am, and it's had it's good points and bad which I'll not get into here, but suffice it to say, that's going to change too. I can't quite explain it, but I feel as though I'm on the edge of some major kinda breakthrough, like something great is waiting just around the next corner, all I have to do is get TO it. ;) I don't know if I'm stretching myself too thin, or if I've just got an overabundance of desire/craving/obsession with learning and knowledge, and by association if I'm lucky, wisdom. But after a discussion with a friend recently, it was pointed out that I may very well be the kind of person who doesn't need to do spells and the like. The term that was used was "intuit", in that when doing some kind of magickal working, I merely focus on the intent, and change can occur. I've been experimenting a little with this idea... and really, it kinda fits in with the alternate/virtual reality sortof setting that I've been talking about. I've grabbed up a few books from amazon on the subject, and of course begun sifting through the internet for more information, but not yet quite dug into any of those. The more I think about it, the more I think this could very well be why doing spells with words and stuff, even whispered ones, never has felt "right". Give me a focal point and a purpose and I'm good to go. It may very well be that this is why when asked to lead Circle, I do better remaining silent with eyes closed. It seems like when we did that before, the power and energy within the Circle felt so much stronger than it had in the past. There are other examples as well, such as recently mom had found a picture someone had posted on facebook, and she said she felt very drawn to it. Me being the person I am, my first thoughts jumped to a past life sortof thing, especially knowing a good portion of our family tree and where our people come from, figured when she said she felt like there should be water nearby, that it was some kind of correlation to that. I told her to put it on her desktop as her background and for one week, to focus on it for 15 minutes a day (not necessarily all at one time, but to focus on it and clear her mind of everything else). She did this and sure enough, within one week, she made the correlation: It reminded her of the path leading to the river near where she lived as a child, and where the path had grown up with the trees covering overhead, it looked almost exactly like the picture. Perhaps it wasn't magick, but I feel like it was magick, by my suggestion, guiding her to find the answer herself. What I really need to do most, is find someone who could tell me more about the things my grandmother did. I'm completely convinced that if I knew more about her, the answers I've been seeking could be found.
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MorganaI could start this out similar to an AA meeting “Hi I’m Laury/Morgana, and I am a geek”. But geek does not even begin to cover it. I’ve been forced over the past months to accept that I am, in fact, a nerd. And I’m ok with it, I’m embracing it. Its just one of the things that makes me “me”. I’ve traveled a long path to find where I belong in this world, “the meaning of it all”. Whether I’ll ever reach that point is a mystery. In the meantime, I play the following roles: mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, geek, nerd, gamer girl, over-thinker. There are reasons I am referred to as So-Crates and Padawan. While there are things I am knowledgeable about, there are things that I have yet to learn. In the end, that’s all life is about.. Archives
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