I've been shackling myself to things I had not realized I was still holding onto. In order to move forward, sometimes things from the past must be released. Growth cannot happen if there is too many weeds around a plant, it stifles the growth and eventually kills the plant. That's how I'm seeing this. So here's what I've done:
- Closed my classmates.com account. I've not been on the damn thing in over 3 years, and my yahoo email is full of newsletter emails and notices saying "someone has viewed your profile". Okay, so the fuck what? These are people who couldn't be bothered to associate with me in school, why the hell look at my page now? I get that people grow up, move away, and lose touch. If it's intended that those people should reunite, the universe will find a way. I've got people from school on facebook I don't even speak to, nor do they speak to me. Solution? Hide their posts from my feed. I've got an inbox if they care to speak.
- Gone through said yahoo email and deleted messages I didn't even know I still had, from friend and foe alike. GONE. KAPUT. Emptied the trash. I'm not looking back. Why? Most of it was from people that were part of my life at some point in the past 10 years, who are no longer part of my life for whatever reason. Sure, at the time, they brought happiness when I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground. But it wasn't true happiness, they turned out not to be real friends, and therefore, no longer serve a purpose in my life or my memory. Several of them, I couldn't even remember who the hell they were. Shows how important they were, huh?
- Over the course of the next several days, there's going to be a sort of "reaping". That is to say, further removal of bullshit and people out of my life that no longer serve a purpose. Nothing really drastic, nothing life-altering, just extraneousness that no longer belongs in my head, heart, conscience, or my memory.
Now, of course, that doesn't include ya'll, mom, or any other overly-dramatic thing that I've come to ya'll for advice on over the past 3 years. I'm in a good place, and thinking more clearly about the focus of my future than I have in a damn long time. I'm not depressed, though I will admit to my fair share of insomnia and boredom (long explanation/description short: I'll start doing something I would have enjoyed a month ago, and 10-15 minutes later I'll be bored and pretty much stir crazy. I blame the cold weather). I've said, time and again, that I need to be less open about who I am, what I like, and so on. That's still the plan, I need to be more introspective as this year goes on. And part of that, I think, is going to be a withdrawal from social media (ie. facebook). It's just a source of unnecessary annoyance and stress that I really don't need. I'll be there, I'll share stuff and comment, but I don't see myself being as reliant on it as I have been the past few years. We'll see how that goes (I'll probably flake and not see it through, but it's good to have goals right?)
I feel stronger, mentally and spiritually, than I ever have. And the only way I see that continuing is forgiveness. Forgiving myself the stupid shit I've done, accepting the person I've become as a result of it all, and going on with my life. It's a good thing, and a good frame of mind to be in.