It was brief, and I don’t remember a lot of what I said. I do remember stopping, before entering that sacred space, and addressing Bran (not the fiber cereal, pronounced Br-ah-n) who was the Guardian of our Circle, to let him know what we were doing.
It went well, I thought. Our friends were receptive. We talked & joked. I answered questions. I felt good about it.
The next day, I learned two things that were amazingly pivotal for me.
He told me that night he had been “alerted” by Bran. Apparently the deity was not happy about our presence in the Circle & had called on my husband to take care of the situation. He, in his wisdom & grace, explained to Bran what I was doing and that “it was ok”.
Yeah, you read that right. But if you need to re-read it, just to make sure you got it, go ahead. I’ll wait.
——————————————————————————————————--
There were many things in that relationship that showed me I was not where I should be. But that one was big. I mean REALLY big.
——————————————————————————————————–
My Walk is a daily experience. I am constantly questioning what I “believe” and the funny thing is, the older I get, the more I realize that I don’t believe a lot of that stuff that I used to think that I believed. I’m ok with that. I’m learning trust my Heart more.
But when my relationship with my 2nd husband ended and my Grove collapsed on itself like a house of cards, it crushed me along with it. They were my family. Spiritually, I floundered for years after that. I felt lost without a group to practice with. During that time, I got membership offers from two different Wiccan covens. Two VASTLY different Wiccan covens. The first is a very traditional Alexandrian Wiccan group with a stern High Priestess. The invitation came from her husband, the High Priest of the coven, so I am still unsure to this day as to whether she wanted me there or not. Since declining the offer I have heard nothing from either of them, so it matters not. I declined knowing that the HPs & I would butt heads, probably often, and that she would be hard & unyielding. It would be a bit like Catholic school… only Wiccan. SOD THAT. So, I declined the invitation. Which, believe it or not, actually made me sad, but I continued my search for a corner of the larger Community that I could claim as my own and build a new Spiritual family in. By this point in time, I had become friends with another Wiccan coven. This one is a hybrid Buddhist/Wiccan tradition. They are a pretty far flung group & meet mostly online, but also have an annual gathering where everyone meets for a few days of camaraderie & Ritual. I had been attending that annual gathering for a while as a “friend” of the group and it was during one of those that I was invited to join the coven.
This time, I accepted the invitation.
And now, after (has it been three years? I think it has…) years of floundering & feeling not quite on the same page as the group, I have resigned. And it occurs to me, now, that I probably never should have joined. But at the time, I was entering a new phase in my Life by & large, and I was still desperately seeking the same satisfaction that I had in practice with my Grove. The timing seemed right, I liked the people, and so I went for it.
I never got what I wanted from that group. However, in the course of trying with them, I managed to find it elsewhere. Isn’t the Universe funny like that? My Beloved & I have started this wonderful unTradition. Up until October when we had to move, we circled regularly with a couple of close friends, and are looking forward to starting that up again soon when we are back in our own place. So, I think that in searching for what I needed elsewhere, I found it was right here the whole time. Well, fuck-a-doodle-do. Now, I believe it’s time to click my heels together three times and head back home to Kansas.
I told a dear friend this week that even steps back can be a step in the right direction.
Sometimes I feel like I know what I’m talking about.
Namaste
~ Cootie